Gaslighting: Yes, What You "Feel" is Real

Emotional Pain is Real. Someone's words and actions can ignite our automatic emergency response.

Masters at gaslighting.

When someone I love is rude, short, or mean to me, I start feeling my muscles tighten, experience shortness of breath, and my stomach and throat get knotted. Pressure in my skull descends upon me. The pain is so intense that I can't stop screaming and crying for hours. I don’t understand why this happens. I suffer from Complex PTSD, but this post is about the sympathetic nervous system (SNS).

According to the Cleveland Clinic:

"Your sympathetic nervous system is part of your autonomic nervous system. It could be called your ‘automatic’ nervous system, as it controls many functions you don’t have to think about. This includes regulating heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, urination, and sweating, among other functions.

The sympathetic nervous system is best known for its role in responding to dangerous or stressful situations. It activates to speed up your heart rate, deliver more blood to areas needing more oxygen, and other responses to help you escape danger."

I recently read an article on Saloon titled Experts Explain What It Really Means to Be "Triggered" and How to Navigate Personal Trauma, which features insights from leading experts on the topic. What stands out to me the most is how casually terms like narcissist, trauma, and triggers are used. These are not matters to be taken lightly. Triggers indicate a presence of danger, not just disagreement or personal dislike.

For me, when the person I dated would shut down without explanation, give me the silent treatment for days without reason, devalue or insult me, and then gaslight me by denying wrongdoing, I felt an overwhelming level of pain. I experienced what I personally call a CPTSD episode. I lack the words or training to explain it better.

Here’s what the experts had to say in the article:

• Dr. Jessica January Behr: "Traumatic stress increases the firing and presence of neurotransmitters like cortisol (a stress hormone) and norepinephrine (adrenaline). MRI studies show that those with PTSD or traumatic stress exhibit structural brain changes, including a smaller and less active hippocampus (memory center) and increased amygdala function (emotion center). This means that traumatic experiences elevate cortisol and norepinephrine receptors in your brain and body, which can enhance emotional responses and hinder proper memory encoding and storage."

• Dr. Ramani Durvasula: "When a person is triggered, they respond as though there is an immediate threat—though it may not be apparent to an external observer. These threats can be internal (e.g., internal sensations) or due to external stimuli (e.g., a smell associated with a past traumatic event). Triggered individuals often experience sympathetic nervous system responses, including the traditional fight/flight/freeze reaction. They may hyperventilate, sweat, experience chest tightness, or sweat profusely, culminating in a panicked feeling."

The article also provided some helpful suggestions for managing these responses:

1. Dysregulated Breathing: Practice breathing techniques when not triggered. This can become a tool for centering and grounding when you are triggered.

2. Grounding Exercises:

   1. Place a hand on your chest, find your pulse, and feel your hand moving up and down. This can help ground you when negative physical responses seem overwhelming.

   2. Activate the Five Senses exercise: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This helps return you to your body and activate your senses, which can help to decenter the trigger.

3. Sensory Inventory: Take an inventory of your environment through your senses. This mental trick can help.

Personally, I manage or cope by frequent journaling, engaging in physical activity, getting enough sleep, listening to my body, spending time with friends, and maintaining an inner dialogue that reminds me these moments are transient. In the midst of a panic episode, I sometimes feel like life isn’t worth living, so it’s important to remember that it will pass. Asking someone to hold me, if safe, taking a hot bath, or taking a nap to slow down also helps. After a triggered SNS episode, my muscles ache and I become extremely fatigued. Give yourself space to recover and rest.

I’ve done therapy for a long time and am considering returning to address what happened in my last relationship. It’s essential to find trauma-informed therapy, which can be challenging. I tried EMDR once, and my symptoms worsened, proving that one-size-does-not-fit-all. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy technique that helps people process traumatic memories and heal from distressing life experiences.

Writing this post feels healing and helpful as I attempt to support others in similar situations. Please hold on. Stay strong. Do not give up. When you love someone who doesn’t care about your suffering or well-being, it is soul shattering. Words and actions matter. Emotional and verbal abuse are real forms of abuse. Remember, they are just one person. Even if family is the aggressor or not an option, trust that you will find a supportive community. There are millions of people who would love to know you. You are worthy. Your worth is independent of this person.

I find comfort in art by @devthepineapple on Instagram. September is Suicide Prevention Month; for help, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

I will continue to write as I find it cathartic. xo

Eric Swan