Terms you Need to Know About Narcissists

As a child, you don’t have the words or the maturity to express your needs or wants, and the concept of boundaries is foreign. Sadly, I’m not alone in having had my childhood stolen. Because of everything I’ve been through, I’ve had to learn a lot—especially the terms that survivors of child abuse know all too well. Lately, I’ve started a healing journey, one where I can finally recognize the narcissism that has surrounded me my entire life. I’m grateful that I didn’t become like those who wronged me. I’m human and make mistakes, but at my core, I strive to be at peace with others and do good in the world.

OK, here are words you need to know if you are dealing with or have experienced narcissistic abuse:

Gaslighting:

A manipulative tactic where the abuser causes the victim to question their reality, perceptions, or memories. This psychological control leads the victim to doubt their feelings and instincts, making them more reliant on the abuser’s version of events. It often results in the victim ignoring red flags or feeling confused about what is true.

Love Bombing:

A tactic where a narcissist or abuser showers a victim with excessive attention, flattery, gifts, and affection at the start of a relationship. The overwhelming displays of love are meant to establish quick emotional bonds and make the victim feel indebted or dependent. Once the victim is emotionally attached, the abuser begins to manipulate or control them.

Baiting:

A tactic used by narcissists to provoke a reaction from their target. This could be done through insults, false accusations, or deliberately pushing the victim’s emotional buttons. The goal is to get the victim to react negatively so the narcissist can blame them, play the victim, or justify further abusive actions.

Hoovering:

Named after the vacuum brand, hoovering is a tactic narcissists use to "suck" someone back into a toxic relationship. After a breakup or period of distance, the narcissist may try to reestablish contact through flattery, false promises, or manipulative behavior, all with the intent of continuing their emotional abuse.

Narcissistic Word Salad:

This refers to a chaotic, confusing, and often nonsensical style of speech used by narcissists to avoid accountability, gaslight the victim, or derail conversations. It can include circular arguments, contradictions, blatant lies, deflections, and mischaracterizations, leaving the victim feeling confused or overwhelmed.

Flying Monkeys:

These are individuals who act on behalf of a narcissist, knowingly or unknowingly, to carry out their manipulations, spread false narratives, or apply pressure on the victim. Often, flying monkeys do the narcissist's dirty work to maintain their favor and avoid becoming a target themselves.

Blame Shifting:

A tactic used by narcissists to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by blaming others. When confronted, the narcissist will deflect blame, making the victim or someone else feel guilty or responsible for the problem, even when it clearly stems from the narcissist’s behavior.

Projection:

Projection is when a narcissist accuses others of the very behavior or flaws they themselves are guilty of. For example, if a narcissist is being dishonest, they may accuse their victim of lying. This tactic deflects responsibility and confusion onto the victim.

Triangulation:

A manipulation tactic where a narcissist involves a third person in the conflict to create jealousy, competition, or division. They may use this third person to validate their own behavior, pit others against one another, or make their victim feel insecure or marginalized.

Devaluation:

This is a phase in a narcissistic relationship where the narcissist begins to criticize, belittle, and demean the victim after initially idealizing them (often during love bombing). The goal is to lower the victim’s self-worth and maintain control.

Discard:

The final phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle where the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship or emotionally "discards" the victim after devaluation. This may occur when the victim no longer serves their needs, or the narcissist finds a new source of attention (supply).

Narcissistic Supply:

This refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists crave to bolster their fragile self-esteem. They feed off of this "supply" to feel powerful and important. People are often seen as sources of supply, rather than individuals with their own needs.

Smear Campaign:

A tactic narcissists use to discredit their victim by spreading lies, rumors, or half-truths about them. This often happens during or after a breakup, with the goal of damaging the victim’s reputation and isolating them from potential sources of support.

Silent Treatment:

A form of emotional abuse where the narcissist intentionally ignores or refuses to communicate with the victim as a way to punish, manipulate, or gain control. This tactic leaves the victim feeling confused, anxious, and desperate for resolution.

Mirroring:

A manipulation tactic where the narcissist mimics the victim's traits, likes, and behaviors in the early stages of the relationship. This creates the illusion of deep connection and compatibility, but it's just a façade to draw the victim in.

Gray Rock Method:

A coping strategy used by victims of narcissistic abuse to protect themselves. It involves becoming emotionally unresponsive or uninteresting to the narcissist to discourage further manipulation or engagement.

Intermittent Reinforcement:

A behavioral manipulation technique where the narcissist alternates between kindness and cruelty, rewards and punishments. This creates confusion and emotional dependence, making the victim more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.

This list may evolve as I continue learning how to heal and protect myself from narcissists. Life moves forward. One of my core mantras is that we come into this world alone, and we leave alone. The only person you truly can’t live without is yourself. Love yourself deeply and fiercely. Don’t let anyone drain the joy for life that you deserve as a human being.

Your fellow survivor, xo

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